briansjournal1

uncensored, unfiltered, thoughts

Month: February, 2013

Friendliness among social awkwardness?

So, as I’ve mentioned in a few posts now, I’ve been eating healthier. I was at the cafeteria at my school picking out a plate of salad, which I was just getting used to and I decided to choose the raspberry vinaigrette as a salad dressing since all the other options for salad dressing were either too high in fat or sodium. Anyway, I head over and find a place to sit. There’s plenty of people around but I just find a quiet place by myself so I can eat quickly and go back to studying. I’m eating this salad, and it’s beginning to churn my stomach because 1) I hadn’t eaten vegetables, I mean really eating vegetables in a decade or so and 2) that vinaigrette was plain awful! This kid comes up and sits at my table. He starts asking my name and exchanging introductions. He says he’s a Communications major and he starts talking incessantly to me. After a while, instead of being annoyed (because I wanted to just book it), I started to talk to him. He was talking to me about relationships and how he only went on one date with this person and how he quickly grows attached to people. For some reason, I opened up to him and said the same thing too.

Thinking about it, I quickly lust after girls but quickly develop something more without looking at that persons flaws. Well, maybe it’s because I believe I like somebody, and chances are, I probably do, but I don’t give it time. I don’t find those quirks or things in people that cause me to think of them in another way. I find the things that I like and I act impulsively sometimes. My mom did always say I do things without thinking!

Anyway, he then asks for my Facebook. I don’t notice anything peculiar about him, I mean looking back on it now, he did have a funny voice but I never pinpointed anything. He then tells me he has Asbergers. I don’t know how to react to that. I mean, I kind knew what it was but I pry a little to understand it better. He tells me he sees it as a blessing and a curse. How (coming from a family of mentally ill) could you see that as a blessing? He tells me it helps him have a thick skin. I thought about that for a minute and thought about what he said “I guess these relationships weren’t meant to be.” Geez man, that’s weird of you to say, as I was thinking that in my head. He then asked me for my Facebook and gave me his number a few days later.

Well, it’s officially been a week since I met the kid and he sends me a message saying that he needs someone to talk to. I’m annoyed because he keeps incessantly messaging me and I’m trying to study for an upcoming exam and I don’t want to deal with it so I ignore what he has to say. He then sends me a message saying that he’s gay and then he hopes I’m not creeped out by it. I didn’t talk to him for a few days after that. It’s not that I have any sort of problems with homosexuals, I just think that was so totally weird. Why the hell would he tell me this?

So, now here he is talking to me again. I don’t know what to say to him – I act friendlier to him because I know what it’s like to not have friends. I tell him I don’t care if he’s gay and then tell him about one of my upcoming exams. Well, what a nice kid, he wishes me luck on my upcoming exam and asks me to keep him posted so he can find out how I did later that night. The kid really is nice and I find it admirable that he’s in a Communication major considering his condition but I don’t want to patronize him. He’s telling me about these guys he’s planning on dating and I just basically agree to whatever he’s saying. I’m not really interested in what he has to say.

I don’t know man, this kid irks me cuz he messages me so much, but he is a nice kid and I don’t want him to feel like I’m abandoning him cuz he’s gay or because he’s a little socially awkward and he keeps pestering people. Maybe he needs a friend or maybe it’s his illness causing him to not realize that there are boundaries, but I honestly don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to block him and avoid this kid but another part of me wants to reach out him because it’s a cold world without friends and support there to guide you. I guess time will have to be the deciding factor in this.

Changes

Getting B’s as of late and eating differently has got me thinking…I think I’m going to enact some changes soon. I’ve really been thinking about it and while Bridgewater is a nice school, Amherst is a beautiful college town, there’s lots to do there, and I have faith in the school to prepare me for accounting.

So, I’ve recently filed my FAFSA and I’m going to be applying to the school come spring 2014 if I can get my fall Stats class out of the way. Speaking of which, I have recently submitted an application to apply for a directed study – which basically places me in a one on one class with an instructor so I can take the stats class out of sequence in the fall instead of the spring. I’m hoping I get it because I want to quickly move to this city and start living the university life – I mean I love my community college but I honestly just want to move on and experience new scenery. I want to seriously dedicate myself to something education wise. I feel like I’m lacking in so many skills from communication to listening to technical. I want to get better at it at all.

I also can’t wait to live on my own! If I can get housing there in one of their student apartments, I’ll be in heaven! I’ll finally be able to cook for myself and not have my mom cook me stuff I don’t necessarily want to eat because either 1) I don’t like it or 2) it’s unhealthy. Either way, I’ll finally get to hone my cooking skill and make some delicious, healthy food.

As we’re on the healthy food topic, every day I’ve been getting a huge Chinese food paper thing (those huge containers) of leafy green salads – no croutons, or salty additives and no fatty or salt salad dressing. God, it churns my stomach eating so many vegetables, but I’m getting used to it quickly. The second time I ate a huge thing of salad, my body felt amazing. My heart rate began to slow (and it’s never slow because I have high blood pressure) and I honestly felt so much more energized. For $5, I got a cup of fruit, a nice big water and a huge thing of salad, that’s way better than the crap I was putting into my body for a long time.

It sounds bad but ever since I started going out with my girlfriend, she would never want to eat at my house or want me to cook us dinner so we’d always end up going out to eat at fast food. Now, my mom knew I didn’t like vegetables even as I grew older so she always used to cook red meats which was bad in itself, but couple that with 3 years of fast food, almost weekly, sometimes even more regularly than that, and I was just asking for trouble. My girl, about a year ago, had to get her gallbladder removed due to gallstones which were caused by her excessively poor diet and recently I was feeling much of the same pain. Fuck that. The habits of eating fast food are hard to phase out and my friends are always telling me about new awesome foods that are very unhealthy, but I’m not doing it anymore. I can’t. I really honestly want to make a commitment to eating healthier. Eat a salad every day at school and get the right amount of veggies, eat 2 or more cups of fruits a day, and start working out and exercising (which seems to be something I only do when I’m at work since I walk and stand around a lot)

Finally, for this summer I have three main goals. For my first goal, I want to study the Principles of Accounting all over again so I can become very familiar with it which will leave me better prepared for school. It will also better help me decide if accounting is right for me. My second is goal is to study Excel like a maniac. I’m the weird guy who actually loved picking up the book ‘Excel, the Missing Manual’ and enjoyed practicing the stuff it was talking about. I only got up to the fourth chapter, to the point where I lost the chance to begin reading it again since I’ve been so busy, so I see the summer as a prime time to pick it up again and become a Excel guru. I really think it will give me an edge and would open up employment opportunities for me, (along with the fact coupled with the fact that all accountants need to know Excel! Lol) Finally, third, I want to study Calculus in depth and for real this time. I’m really fucking around in that class and just trying to get through it. I’ve never had that mentality for a class before because I’ve always seen value in my classes and the value of trying hard in them, but I’m really not retaining the information in this class  and honestly, I shouldn’t even be in it because my Algebra needs a lot of refreshing. The most critical thing to Calculus is being an Algebra master. Without that, I’m really just trying to save myself from drowning by clinging on to anything I  can find around me!

As for goals right now, I’m really trying to refine my studying. I’ve been rewriting my notes from all my classes. It sucks because for a month and a half I didn’t do this so it’s been taking forever. Prior to this, I was disappointed in the 80’s I was getting for tests and quizzes this semester so I finally typed in ‘How to study’ on Google, clicked the first link, and read this wonderful article. By the time I finished reading it, I decided to buy a bunch of notebooks and redo my studying strategy. Some of the tips are self explanatory but honestly, I’ve noticed that rewriting my notes and taking the time to SLOWLY read the chapter really helped my understanding. Previously, I found myself reading a chapter from a textbook like it was a novel and never stopping to take the time to really understand the stuff. It may have said ‘see Figure so and so’ and I wouldn’t even give it a glance.Now, I’m trying to do my best to slowly organize my class notes into freshly rewritten notes which helps me retain concepts and understand the information better. I’m also doing the 3R method to help me study for exams, which involves reading something, reciting everything I read in the chapter from memory and my understanding of it, and then reading the chapter again. The key to the reading though is like I’ve said above:  reading it slowly, and constantly asking why, or interpreting the information. If anyone is interested in reading the article, you can find it here.

That will be all for this post!

PS: I recently applied for the Student Senate at my school and I hope I can get in. They will be holding votes in the fall so I’ll be an interim member for now, but it would be a great experience. I could definitely develop my leadership, communication, and team work skills in something like that. They also have lots of events, which will keep me involved in my school before I transfer, which is awesome since the school club I started isn’t doing so great. The only issue with all those events is they are very time consuming and they might affect my ability to do well in school which I hope it will never come to that if I get picked. Hopefully, this should be a wonderful experience if I make it!

School in the future

Sorry for the delayed post. I’ve been freaking out about my Economics exam, and I took it today and it was as hard as I imagined. I have no idea how I did on it, but anyway, that’s for another time.

Over the past few days I’ve been thinking about going to a different school for accounting. At first, I wanted to go to something relatively close by. I chose Bridgewater State because it had a good accounting program, it had a reduced masters degree time, it was cheap, it wasn’t too far away, and my girlfriend would be going there for her last semester to do student teaching (which let’s face it, she wouldn’t be around campus much for that, but hey, it’s a perk), and it generally seemed like a good school. However, recently I’ve thought about going somewhere else. As I was surfing these college forums called collegeconfidential I kinda realized that Bridgewater wasn’t the perfect place to go especially if I’d want to be hired by a big firm like the Big 4. People were tossing around names, and I finally came to the conclusion that the University of Massachusetts – Amherst is a good place to go. It’s AACSB accredited, it has honors societies for accounting, and the Big 4 hire from that school and take internships from students there, along with a bunch of other medium sized firms. After hearing about all these wonderful benefits I’d get by going there, I’m thinking I might change my plans. Two things that kept me from thinking about going there earlier were the price and the distance. The school is 250 miles away from where I live and 200 miles away from my girlfriend. The other thing is it was going for 30k a year before and I wouldn’t be able to afford that. They’ve reduced their tuition costs by a bit so I’m thinking now’s a better time than ever.

If I went to UMass Amherst, I’d have to drop my job here, find a new one over there, not be able to see my friends, and see my girlfriend less than I already do now. I’m scared that while she may be OK with the idea for now, after a while, the distance might be too much for her and she may want to call it quits. I’d hate that.

So, right now I’m just trying to keep my GPA up which has become increasingly difficult this semester. It brings my attention away from all the thinking I’ll have to do soon to try to figure this all out.

I’ve also currently been having a battle with my academic dean in trying to figure out  how I can take this statistic course out of semester, meaning it can only be taken in the spring and I want to take it in the fall to graduate. I get it’s a bureaucracy because it essentially involves finding another class to put me in or creating one, and paying an instructor for it but I’m just about to call that quits and just take this stats course in the spring, even if it means I’ll just be taking one course. Gives me more time to work, I suppose.

Valentines Day, Communication, and Testing

I’ve been out for two days with my girlfriend so I haven’t actually gotten the chance to post on this thing yet. Anyway, this post is basically going to be about how my days were with my girlfriend were over Valentines day and yesterday (Friday) and the horrible scariness of a test I got coming up!

So for Valentines day, it was a mixture of getting to spend time with spend time with her and arguing. I initially did something that she didn’t like and I got mad at her reaction towards it so I took a shower and turned off the lights and went to bed angry. She apologized and wanted me to talk to her. I didn’t want to talk to her. She started packing her stuff and I was nervous that she was going to leave so I asked her what she was doing. She was obviously annoyed so she told me to just stay in bed and forget about it. At that point, I begged her not to leave and we talked about the argument. At that point, I thought everything was cool and I didn’t think anything to the contrary. I found out the next day that she was still angry about that stuff but she felt like I didn’t want to hear it. That’s why she attempted to leave; she didn’t really want to but she needed something to get my attention so that I could talk to her. I guess it wasn’t enough.

The next day, she locks her keys in her car. From where we were to her house would be an hour and an half drive, so just to get back to her house and back it would take three hours, not taking into account the traffic. So, I was obviously mad and I was hungry at the time, so I just wanted to grab a bite and deal with it later. She didn’t want to have it, even though I offered to pay, because she was scared someone would break into her car cuz she had her keys, gps, etc. That pissed me off even further and I was pissed the entire time driving – I, like many people when they get angry and drive, drive recklessly, and I was doing that on the highway – trying to salvage some time for the day. By the time I got back, I was so angry that I just wanted her to leave.

It’s at this point that I climbed in her car to change my mind about wanting her to stay and we had a talk as a result. We’ve had these talks before where we think about what it would be like to be broken up and talk about how we both feel like doing that. I hate those fucking talks. I love this girl and she loves me and it seems so awful to talk about shit like that. But we talked about it, and she said to me that I don’t talk to her anymore when I’m angry and you know what? I don’t. I used to be the one in the relationship who did a majority of the talking to try to get her to fess up with what she was mad about. She would be the one to bottle up her emotions about something. I hated that shit, and now I’m doing what she used to do – for a couple of months now. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I really do need to communicate how I’m feeling with her and she agreed that she would do her very best to do the same. Up to so far, she’s been excellent with that. It’s funny how our partners habits become our own after a while. I would have never thought I’d be the one to be like ‘I’m not talking because I’m pissed but I don’t want to talk about why I’m mad.’ That shits never solved anything for anyone ever, as she likes to say say. I remember saying those same words to her too, you know? How ironic is it that we’ve switched places like this.

So, basically yesterday, I enjoyed that conversation me and her had, and then we had a great day afterwards. We watched ‘Silver Lining Playbook’ (good movie) and enjoyed a beach day looking at the stars. I was really happy. The point is though, I keep having my anger affect my ability to communicate and resolve things quickly. I don’t want that. Relationships deteriorate by a lack of communication like that. I’ve seen many of my friends relationships deteriorate in similar or related ways (relationships of 4+ years). I’m going on three with my girlfriend come March, and I don’t want shit to end because of stuff like that. I’m no saint, I’ve thought about cheating on her and having sex with hotter girls and I often fantasize about having sex with girls at work or in my class, but ultimately she’s the best thing for me and supported in more ways than I’ll ever be able to pay back. I don’t know what gets me to think of those things, maybe its the gaps in time we get to spend each other or maybe it’s lust but whatever is, it’s a really bad habit that I need to get out of.

Anyway, to wrap this thing up, my Economics teacher just sent us 20% of the exam that’s coming up soon (it’s a 50 question quiz). Everyone was complaining to him about giving us a sample of questions that were on the test so he did and I’m reading through them and they’re fucking hard. I thought Supply/Demand was an easy concept to grasp, but he focused mainly on stuff he didn’t talk about. The questions were relating to concepts, theories, economic models, and basically all stuff he didn’t even allude to. The good thing is most of the information is in the book or so I think.

My Economics professor basically reads off slides from the book and I hate that shit. He does lecture, but it seems when he lectures it’s not about the material at hand and he seems confused by the simple graphs that are on the slides that he purposely chose to show us. He constantly keeps reminding us ‘yep, you don’t need to read that, that won’t be on the test. It’s self explanatory’ I think that’s his device to say ‘I don’t know what this is but I’m trying to teach a class about it.’ I don’t want to be harsh on the guy, but I don’t think he really knows what he’s talking about half the time. His explanations for the stuff that’s on those slides is radically different than what is actually on the slides. It’s like he’s coming up with his own interpretation of what they say, rather than what they actually say. It pisses me off in class that I’m listening to his bullshit and I understand what the book and slides are saying more than he does (not to sound like a pompous ass).

Needless to say, I’m nervous because I don’t know how I’m going to do in this class (or the exam for that matter) I’ve been invited to Phi Theta Kappa for a third time but I keep rejecting their offers because I’m afraid my GPA is going to drop from a 4.0 to something awful in which I’d get kicked out of the club and that would suck balls. Getting kicked out of an honor club because you fucked up your grades. Fuck that. This is why I’ve been putting it off for a while.

Finally, I really do  like studying Economics but it’s just frustrating that I don’t feel like I’m learning anything in my class but my book is challenging me in a way that I don’t think I’ll be able to overcome. Easy class, hard tests. WTF man?

Snow and Bad Influences

Yesterday, I was looking for a place to park after I got out of work. I couldn’t find a place that was shoveled and most of the areas surrounding the sidewalk were filled with piles of snow. I figured I’d park in front of this persons house who lives at the bottom of the hill from where I live. I left enough space for them so they could get to their car and I knew that the following day, I’d be going to school early at 8 so I’d be gone before anybody would notice me.

This morning, I head down the hill to get  to my car and I see that there is a car behind me. As I approach closer, I notice that the car is a big Ford Explorer and he’s parked right near me. I tried to back up as best as I could but to no avail. Behold, I see a piece of paper sticking to my windshield. At first I thought it was a ticket, but I didn’t park near any meters so that dispelled that idea. I then saw that it was written off a torn piece of a owners manual and I instantly began to panic. The paper read “You didn’t shovel. Cars get messed up for shit like this. Don’t park here again.”

Then I looked forward and then I noticed that the same person who had written that note was probably the same person who had also put a bunch of snow on my car. Look, I realize taking other peoples spots that people have shoveled is shitty but come on now? You’re going to make me miss class and threaten fuck up my car or me? Come on now. I was out on Saturday shoveling for 3 hours and somebody took my spot today. I didn’t complain or say anything. Sometimes, I think people are too quick to jump to conclusions or violence. Needless to say, I was kind of pissed off this morning cuz of that.

After driving my mom’s car to school to make it on time, two of my friends from high school walked into my history class. I was always cool with them but only days prior, one of them had plagiarized an entire one page paper (double spaced, pathetic, I know) and now sat near me. He had withdrawn out of multiple classes that he felt were hard and failed a lot of others, but he was my friend. Honestly, I don’t know why I associate with these people.

In high school, I used to give in to a lot of peer pressure and fuck around a lot, and that was highly due to being bullied and wanting to fit in. Well, these two kids in my class are a throwback to that time. I felt disappointed in myself today because I was constantly joking and being disruptive in class with them like I used to be back in high school, and shortly after class I realized how much of an asshole I had been to the teacher (this was a teacher I liked too!). I don’t know what comes over me sometimes. Things I would never do, I do because I’m as impressionable as a clay doll.

Here I am at 21, still learning how to overcome peer pressure. I just worry about how this peer pressure shit is going to play out in the future. I may very well be ruining my life as a result of it. It nearly did in high school; and like a nasty dream from the past, I don’t want to go back there.

The beginning of my journal

So, this is it. This is going to be my digital space to write about whatever I want. No restrictions, no filters, just pure thoughts. I’ve needed something like this for a long time. I was once in my college English professors class and he complimented my writing. He said I should really think about writing more and should put some of my thoughts into a journal. I never really listened to him, but now that I’m writing this, I’m thinking about it and it only affirms what I’ve wanted all along – a place where I can vent, discuss, and share things going on in my head, whether it would be something I’d say to a relative, friend or significant other or not.

Like one of my favorite animes, I believe this is the start of a journey. I hope to be more active on this than I have been on many other sites that I visit. So what can you all expect? Well, first of all, I’m probably not going to be posting a lot of stuff publicly. Most of the stuff I’ll be posting will be for personal reflection purposes only. Second, I will be posting thoughts, creative writing pieces, and from time to time, technology based and education based things (time to time may be all the time since I’m in school right now!)

Anyway, I’m very glad to have finally taken this first step and gotten into a hosted WordPress. I like to manage my own websites but I needed a place to just talk, without all that hassle. It can be fun sometimes, and others, well…

Cheers to the first post of my digital journal!