briansjournal1

uncensored, unfiltered, thoughts

Month: March, 2013

Updates

It’s been so long since I’ve updated this thing.  So, what’s been happening with me? Basically, I’ve been flirting more with girls in the past few weeks and thinking about what it would be like to have sex with girls outside of my girlfriend. I actually talked to her about that the other day (not all of it mind you), but enough for her to get the picture. She basically thought about entering into an open relationship or allowing me to drop her if I ever found her physically or sexually unattractive. She said she would rather have me tell her that I find her unattractive than go behind her back and cheat on her. I agree with her on that point. However, I didn’t want to bring up demons from the past at that time.

You see, a few months ago, I was feeling sexually deprived. I hadn’t had sex in over 2 months, hadn’t seen my girlfriend in a while and I still had this sexual tension with this girl that my girlfriend and I both knew, and my girl felt incredibly threatened and insecure about. Well, I basically sent her sexual texts (no pics) and asked her to meet up with me to have sex. Those plans fell through so I didn’t think anything of it, but once in a while I’ll think back on that and still have those feelings of wanting to have sex outside of my relationship. I don’t know if it’s sexual depravity, or if my sex life is bland as shit, but sometimes I just feel like fucking other girls and then I attempt steps to doing it.

Case and point: I’ve been sort of flirting with this girl in my history class and trying to think about getting a date with her. I was then thinking about how I could cover up my relationship status on Facebook so I could eventually have sex with this girl.  I had the idea that this girl liked me and that empowered me. I don’t know if she does but WTF was I doing? I shouldn’t be getting other girls to like me or trying to catch dates with other girls or coming up with plans to get them in their drawers. I don’t tell her this shit cuz I love her and I don’t want to lose her to some shit I feel like doing. I mean I almost got close to spilling the entire truth – I told her the other day that I was thinking about having sex with other girls and I was thinking about what it would be like. However, I never told her specifics about how I wanted to do that. I didn’t feel like she should know about that. Why put her through that?

The thing is I don’t know if I could ever cheat on my girlfriend because I’m not that type of guy. I have plenty of friends who wouldn’t give two shits about it and of whom are always trying to impart that way of thinking on me. I mean that would be pretty stupid of me to listen to them but sometimes it makes me wonder if fidelity is all it’s cracked out to be. Would I be pissed if my girl did the same shit to me or cheated? Absolutely. I probably wouldn’t stay in the relationship. So, I can understand any sentiment on her end. However, eventually unless some sort of spice is added to the sex life, I think it gets real lame after a while.

I do find my girl sexually attractive but you live in a society that tells you that fat girls are ugly, and I don’t personally believe that but then you start questioning yourself  on why you can’t just stay in the relationship and be faithful and it ultimately boils down to a few options.

Anyway, besides all that craziness, I’m on spring break this week. I’ve been finding it harder to get in 6 meals a day but I’m trying to keep my metabolism going. I averaged it’s probably going to cost $190 bucks a month to keep my protein intake where it needs to be. Therefore, I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to support this working out thing. With my other bills, I don’t have any money left over for anything that I may want to buy and I end up cutting it real close when it comes to making sure I have enough to pay for everything. Once I lose my work study job in the summer, I will certainly will not be able to afford it and I’ll have to make some tough decisions.

It really sucks when you have to decide between eating healthy and improving your body or paying for other bills that are equally as important. I couldn’t take up two jobs because I’m in school and I certainly don’t want to drop down to part time status. I just hope I can keep working out and getting the food I need without it turning into a huge expense. I’ve already spent my entire federal tax refund plus an additional $100 bucks on food and I’ve only been on this program for about 2 weeks.

The other sucky part about it is when I go to the gym now, I don’t feel like I’m getting the right work out. I don’t have any one to go to the gym with me to teach me proper form so I’m doing YouTube videos and trying to teach myself. This really sucks, and there’s no way I’d be able to afford a personal trainer. I’m trying to do the best with what I have available right now. I’m just afraid scared that if I don’t get the form down soon, I won’t really be getting the proper workout and all of this could just be for nothing.

The good news: I heard from my friend that my gym is open 24/7 which means I can come in really late and not have anyone there so I can have plenty of time to practice my form and train. This is important because I ran into a huge crowd of people on Monday. One guy in particular was hogging the bench for 30 mins. I barely could get my routine in and when that happens, that messes up your whole workout.

Other good news: It’s me and my girlfriends 3 year anniversary tomorrow. It’ll probably be a casual day cuz we’re both poor college students but now that I think about it, that’s a pretty awesome achievement. I really am fortunate to have her.

First Day of Working Out

So, I’m going to make this short and possibly update it later. Today was my first legit day of working out – ever. Prior to this, I had only gone to the gym once with a friend from high school because he kept bugging me about having someone to go with him. I remember back then I couldn’t do much, and I see much hasn’t changed. However, hey, you got to start somewhere.

Basically, I got a gym membership the other day on the weekend. I went through a mess trying to get my tax refund cashed and splurged on a bunch of food from cottage cheese, to 27 cans of tuna fish, to lots of chicken. Chicken is a lot less money than steak but steak is one of the top protein foods alongside turkey (which I couldn’t find outside of grounded which has a lot of fat).

Anyway, I went to the gym alone today for the first time after some of my friends from class ditched me because they had something to do for class – even though they said they’d be able to go with him a few days earlier. Oh well, plans change. I felt nervous because this was my first time and I didn’t know what I was doing. I walk in there and I’m surprised by how little attention people are paying attention to you – I don’t know if I caught the best time where the asshole juiceheads aren’t around or what but literally I was only able to do 1 set of 12 reps benching just the bar and another set of 8. I did better on the machines going up to 75+ but it really showed me how out of shape I’m in.

As I was working out and getting tired, I really realized my sheet with all the workouts I wanted to do didn’t make any sense because I couldn’t find specific machines like the calf rise. I researched extensively beforehand but I didn’t know really any of the machines so I spent a lot of my work out time trying to find out how to work the machines looking like an idiot in the process. Finally, someone came over and was like do you want help with that? It was the guy who helped me out at the front desk. He was really nice and asked me if I’ve ever done pullups? I was only able to do 1 in the past and today, I couldn’t even do one. So, he introduced me to this assisted pullup/chinup machine. I couldn’t even really do light weights on that. So, finally he was like do you know we have a free one hour session with a trainer every week? We can get that set up for you.

That’s pretty dope! You actually get personal trainers for free to help you or answer any of your questions. Anyway, I meet up with this muscular looking dude who honestly seems intimidating. He asks me what my goals are in working out and I tell him building up mass, and that I want to gain weight. I’m worried I may have told him the wrong thing, but I do want to look big anyway. I can always switch to strength training later right? He plans on having an all out training session tomorrow with me at 6. He also told me not to bring jeans and drink plenty of water. He seems like a nice guy once you prove to him that you’re serious about your stuff. I just hope tomorrow I don’t die from overexertion or have my arms shake again trying to bench 45lbs.

As for my routine, I still haven’t really found something I liked/can do yet. I subscribed to this website called Scrawny to Brawny which gives tips on everything without an overload of information which is the stuff I get from websites like bodybuilding.com and superbuilding.com. I’m hoping this program that I find online can be useful or the trainer can spot what works best for me considering that I’m so out of shape.

Despite being incredibly weak and having no upper body strength, I’m hoping to be able to bench 140 by the end of this year and bulk up. I don’t know how I’m going to do it on a minimum wage job where I have to buy so much food to keep the muscle growth but hey, whatever.

Sickness and the Working Out Summer

So, I feel like shit today. Recently, about a week ago, even though I continued to eat healthy, I had a little cube of cottage cheese along with my salad and that threw me off. I instantly started feeling pain and pressure on my back. At that point, I realized it was the possibility of gallstones again. I quickly looked up a way to get rid of them naturally online because the thought of undergoing a surgery that would throw me out of school and work for a week, and the digestive issues that might arise later did not appeal to me.  I found something saying that I should drink apple juice for 5 days in a row to soften them, drink epsom salt mixed with warm water to open my ducts up on the sixth day( today) and drink by the far the grossest thing I’ve ever drank – olive oil mixed with lemon juice. So, I did it. I spent a ton of money on apple juice and drank more servings than they recommended (which was 4 cups – the whole bottle was 7 servings so I was having 7 cups a day) I didn’t realize I was drinking the wrong amount of servings till today. No harm done, I suppose.

I then go to work this morning and everything’s fine – a beautiful cold morning and I go to eat lunch. Tuna fish and a salad. My salad was supposed to be left alone because I don’t like dressing but somehow some olive oil made it’s way on there. I didn’t mind it too much even though I think that pollutes the taste of the salad and makes it taste worse but hey, I gobble it down because I’m getting my veggies today, dammit. Well, apparently olive oil is suppose to ease the stones through your ducts out of your system. Well, I go back to work, and one or more of them get stuck. By stuck, I mean I feel something crawl down my back and then a sharp stabbing pain in my back. There is literally a stone stuck in ducts and I have no way to ease it down. I realized quickly this wasn’t going to be good. If I let it continue to be like that, I could develop an infection, inflammation, or even worse, pancreatis. As much as I didn’t want to miss work after only having 2 days on this week, I had to accept the lower paycheck for my health.

I rushed home and I took some of the Epsom salts – certainly not the best stuff I’ve tasted but tolerable. I fell asleep and set a alarm so I could wake up in two hours to take another dose. That made me feel amazing. It was then time to drink the nastiest concoction to defile my mouth – olive oil mixed with lemon juice. God, how I nearly hurled every single time. I drank a bunch of water afterwards but the taste still stays in mind. God awful. I’m hoping this whole natural remedy thing combined with my healthier eating will do something for me. I’m really scared to go under the knife – I don’t know what the deal is with my insurance, I don’t want to miss time or school and I just want to be better already. I’ve spent my whole Saturday at home just feeling miserable. I can’t sleep because I’m not tired but I can’t focus and work on any homework or study because I got a fever and my head is killing me.

I just hope I feel better soon – I want to be able to go out tomorrow after work or be productive.

In other news,  there has been some other changes for the positive. Today, I finally took the leap and got myself a gym membership. I hope make use of this thing and the first step is the hardest with this stuff. I mean, the only time I’ve ever worked out was in high school and that was because a friend was pestering me to go with him. So, I go, never had gone before and all I remember is all I could bench was 65 pounds, (the bar being 45 with 2 10’s on each side). I threw an 80 on and I almost dropped the bar on my throat and killed myself. After embarrassing myself, I didn’t want to go back.

I’m going to be walking into those same feelings again when I walk into the gym for the first time. I’m going to feel so out of place, but I really want to change my body. I can see that I have the potential to really look cut and become better than what I am. The whole point of me joining the gym is to see what that potential is throughout the summer and fall semester. By the end of this year, if I worked hard, I want to say this is what I was able to achieve, with a 6 pack and a bench weight of 120-160. That would be great.

Also, I was so happy to receive an email the other day saying that I got accepted into the Student Senate! I was so proud of myself. I honestly had counted myself out and was telling my girlfriend how sad it was that I didn’t get picked. I figured since I didn’t get an email from them when they send they were going to announce the candidates that I was out of the count because I didn’t get one on the day. What a welcome surprise to get that email the next day. So, now I’ve recently been looking into parliamentary procedures and how to conduct a formal meeting.  I hope I feel better so I can really get involved. In addition to that, there’s a possibility for me to join the budget committee of the school – which means as a student representative – I’d be helping with the operating budget of a school of 9,000 students! Pretty freaking sweet if you ask me. So, I’ll have to get more info and some more dress clothes but that would look great on my resume. I just hope I can live up to people’s expectations and have a semblance of knowing what the hell I’m doing!

That’s it for now.