It’s been so long since I’ve updated this thing. So, what’s been happening with me? Basically, I’ve been flirting more with girls in the past few weeks and thinking about what it would be like to have sex with girls outside of my girlfriend. I actually talked to her about that the other day (not all of it mind you), but enough for her to get the picture. She basically thought about entering into an open relationship or allowing me to drop her if I ever found her physically or sexually unattractive. She said she would rather have me tell her that I find her unattractive than go behind her back and cheat on her. I agree with her on that point. However, I didn’t want to bring up demons from the past at that time.
You see, a few months ago, I was feeling sexually deprived. I hadn’t had sex in over 2 months, hadn’t seen my girlfriend in a while and I still had this sexual tension with this girl that my girlfriend and I both knew, and my girl felt incredibly threatened and insecure about. Well, I basically sent her sexual texts (no pics) and asked her to meet up with me to have sex. Those plans fell through so I didn’t think anything of it, but once in a while I’ll think back on that and still have those feelings of wanting to have sex outside of my relationship. I don’t know if it’s sexual depravity, or if my sex life is bland as shit, but sometimes I just feel like fucking other girls and then I attempt steps to doing it.
Case and point: I’ve been sort of flirting with this girl in my history class and trying to think about getting a date with her. I was then thinking about how I could cover up my relationship status on Facebook so I could eventually have sex with this girl. I had the idea that this girl liked me and that empowered me. I don’t know if she does but WTF was I doing? I shouldn’t be getting other girls to like me or trying to catch dates with other girls or coming up with plans to get them in their drawers. I don’t tell her this shit cuz I love her and I don’t want to lose her to some shit I feel like doing. I mean I almost got close to spilling the entire truth – I told her the other day that I was thinking about having sex with other girls and I was thinking about what it would be like. However, I never told her specifics about how I wanted to do that. I didn’t feel like she should know about that. Why put her through that?
The thing is I don’t know if I could ever cheat on my girlfriend because I’m not that type of guy. I have plenty of friends who wouldn’t give two shits about it and of whom are always trying to impart that way of thinking on me. I mean that would be pretty stupid of me to listen to them but sometimes it makes me wonder if fidelity is all it’s cracked out to be. Would I be pissed if my girl did the same shit to me or cheated? Absolutely. I probably wouldn’t stay in the relationship. So, I can understand any sentiment on her end. However, eventually unless some sort of spice is added to the sex life, I think it gets real lame after a while.
I do find my girl sexually attractive but you live in a society that tells you that fat girls are ugly, and I don’t personally believe that but then you start questioning yourself on why you can’t just stay in the relationship and be faithful and it ultimately boils down to a few options.
Anyway, besides all that craziness, I’m on spring break this week. I’ve been finding it harder to get in 6 meals a day but I’m trying to keep my metabolism going. I averaged it’s probably going to cost $190 bucks a month to keep my protein intake where it needs to be. Therefore, I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to support this working out thing. With my other bills, I don’t have any money left over for anything that I may want to buy and I end up cutting it real close when it comes to making sure I have enough to pay for everything. Once I lose my work study job in the summer, I will certainly will not be able to afford it and I’ll have to make some tough decisions.
It really sucks when you have to decide between eating healthy and improving your body or paying for other bills that are equally as important. I couldn’t take up two jobs because I’m in school and I certainly don’t want to drop down to part time status. I just hope I can keep working out and getting the food I need without it turning into a huge expense. I’ve already spent my entire federal tax refund plus an additional $100 bucks on food and I’ve only been on this program for about 2 weeks.
The other sucky part about it is when I go to the gym now, I don’t feel like I’m getting the right work out. I don’t have any one to go to the gym with me to teach me proper form so I’m doing YouTube videos and trying to teach myself. This really sucks, and there’s no way I’d be able to afford a personal trainer. I’m trying to do the best with what I have available right now. I’m just afraid scared that if I don’t get the form down soon, I won’t really be getting the proper workout and all of this could just be for nothing.
The good news: I heard from my friend that my gym is open 24/7 which means I can come in really late and not have anyone there so I can have plenty of time to practice my form and train. This is important because I ran into a huge crowd of people on Monday. One guy in particular was hogging the bench for 30 mins. I barely could get my routine in and when that happens, that messes up your whole workout.
Other good news: It’s me and my girlfriends 3 year anniversary tomorrow. It’ll probably be a casual day cuz we’re both poor college students but now that I think about it, that’s a pretty awesome achievement. I really am fortunate to have her.