The start of a new semester

I’m looking at my computer clock wondering where the time went. It says 1:20am on August 31st. In less than a few days, I’ll be back in school. I feel kind of bad for not writing this summer. This journal helps me clarify my thoughts, albeit, even a little bit. I’ve got some exciting new things going on and some awful things as well.

The good news:

I’ve been selected to be a student instructor or a TA as they’re called in universities for an online class. While, it’s not the accounting class I was hoping to sit in on, it still will help me brush up on my technical skills while forcing me to improve my communication skills. I’m also going to be doing tutoring this semester. I attended a 2 day orientation training for it and I must say, I really learned a lot about how we learn. I’m going to try to apply these new study skills to my current classes and see if it makes a difference. I’m sure it will – the whole turning your notes into question/answer pairs seems like a real time saver.

Anyway, I’ve had a few callbacks for some other jobs but I’m optimistic that I’ll find something better than retail soon. While I like the technology aspect of Best Buy and it’s miles better than Home Depot where I’d be selling toilets, I can’t see myself staying there for very long. It just seems so stupid. They buy laptops for cheap, they lose value and to make up the cost we our forced to sell expensive bullshit addons to people who are already strugging to pay for the computer in the first place. What’s sad is that a lot of people in the Geek Squad are people who know a hell of a lot more than me and yet can’t find a good job somewhere so they’re stuck reimaging computers and overcharging people for basic services that they can’t do themselves. I promise when I open my business, if the market ever makes it appropriate to do so, I won’t be the asshole who charges $50 for a fucking virus cleaning. That’s absurd. I believe in charging fair prices, giving honest opinions and keeping prices competitive. I don’t expect to become rich off my business, just to make enough to help out with the bills and still give someone a great service. Although, with laptops being $300 bucks nowadays and the average user just needing to surf the web, it’s impossible to compete with something like that. High enthusiast places like Newegg always face stiff competition and unfortunately, I live in a city where people looking to buy stuff like that are not looking towards brick and mortar solutions.

Anyway, for the bad news…

I’ve been broke most of the summer. It seems that whenever I get paid something else comes up. I used to love spending my money on some new computer gear but now it’s been bills and personal loans all over the place. I’ve actually even had to ask my mom for some money because I’m not used to Best Buy’s biweekly pay schedule and I over spent my money last week on some car repairs. I feel completely embarassed asking my mom for money and she’s been completing understanding. She’s even offered to defer paying her back because she knows how much I’ve had to pay in bills. It would actually be really easy to take advantage of her kindness (like let’s talk about the 2 grand that I owe her that she lent me to help me buy my car) and that’s what hurts my the most. I truly do love my mom but I can’t say it. I’m too embarrassed to say it and I’m more embarrassed now asking for her help. I want to badly be independent and having to ask her for money seems like a real step back for me.

Other than feeling broke my girlfriend has been diagnosed with depression. I don’t even know if it’s a good idea to talk about it on here but I’ll take my chances. I’m scared that she’s going to be sad all the time. That she’s not going to be able to wake up and be the teacher she’s dreamed about being. I’m scared that she’ll throw me out because she doesn’t want to hurt me because she says it hurts her too when she says awful shit to me. She’s already wanted to break up with many times. She’s called me controlling for not wanting to let her go. I don’t want her to think that I’m trying to keep her in a relationship that she doesn’t want to be a part of – the thing is, I see that I make her happy and when she’s on her good days, she does too. However, I don’t know how to deal with this. This is going to come up again – she’s going to yell at me and push me away because she doesn’t want to hurt me. She feels like she doesn’t have any control over what she says or does sometimes and it certainly feels that way. Things that she would never say to anybody, including me, now come out of her mouth with no filter or remorse. I guess I’m just scared. I love her and I want to support her through this. I told her that if I ever couldn’t handle it any more that I would let her know. It sucks having her say awful shit to me and “break up” with me or avoid talking to me. But, I’m not stupid for staying with her. As much as there is temptation out there, at the end of the day I’ve realized she’s the only one who truly makes me happy and provides me with the support I’ve always needed and wanted. I don’t want to let that go because she feels like she can’t control the awful shit she says to me or because it hurts her to say these things. Relationships are all about sacrifices and she’s worth it. I just hope she doesn’t push me away because she’s scared herself.

Other than that, I’ve just been completely stressed out. I’ve been told by people to not worry and that it’s going to affect my health. I can’t seem to ever listen to those people. Every semester I try to push myself harder. I’m worried I’m not going to be ready for the real world. I’m totally scared that if I don’t do everything and fill my time up while I’m in school that I won’t have anything to show off for when I enter the “real world.” The Big 4 are a set of hard ass firms to get into but they would really help me advance my career. I often wonder what the kids preparing for Harvard are doing differently. I don’t know if it has anything to do with intelligence at that point and it must be more than just dedication. I’ve known students go days without sleeping because they were that dedicated to their work. I feel like that sometimes and when I don’t meet up to this zombie student status, I feel like I’m a failure. I feel like because I’ve only studied 2 chapters of accounting all summer that I’m a failure. I just want to make sure I’m ready for a university. I want to make sure that I don’t drop my major because it’s too hard or whatever because it’s truly something I want to do.  I should have reevaluated my goals. I was studying for 8 hours at a time and then I just wouldn’t feel like doing it. I literally live in a house full of distractions despite the noise level being OK. I got nowhere to study. The library closes early and I like to study with my notes out loud. Libraries are really not the place for that.  I don’t know man, I worry about the future so much. My mothers counting on me to take care of the house after she dies. My brothers mentally ill and I know he won’t be able to do it on his own. I’m also scared of owing more than 1 million hours of minimum wages to student loans. I’m scared of doing drudging work for a good half of my life because I didn’t apply myself in school. This is why I put on Netflix, watch Breaking Bad, and forget about everything. I’m hoping by the time school starts I can work out the “kinks” in my studying, get my schedule all sorted out, and relieve all this career induced stress.

My number one career fear? I’m scared of not knowing what to do when I’m on the job. I’m scared of fucking shit up. I’m scared of my coworkers calling me an idiot because I don’t know or understand what to do. I’m trying to become a professional in only four years and I don’t know if that’s possible.
PS: $600 dollars in books and counting…Fuck my life.