briansjournal1

uncensored, unfiltered, thoughts

Month: May, 2014

Some good advice

Quick post for today. I was talking to this kid named Danny during training for this new job that I got. I’m starting to love the job already but that’s another post. I talked to him about my feelings and he said the reason why hes really laid back is that this world has existed for billions of years and humans for millions of years. That dwarfs every little concern that you’ve had to this day. If people could survive for so long then so can you. It’s not a big deal and you should just flow.

Man that advice really helped. We get so caught up and think we own things or we have possessions but it all belongs to the Earth and there’s no point getting up tight about it. I’m really trying to let these philosophies sink in and just enjoy the moment.

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I hate everything

Today has been a enormous feeling of pain. The skies are gray and I can’t describe this feeling. I feel like I’m going crazy with anxiety and fear and anger. I feel like I’m losing my dignity and honor. I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I hate my fucking house, I can’t communicate with my parents, I’m always aquiring bullshit information that I don’t need to know because it releases the pain in my brain and the stupidity that comes from it.

A few more days and I can see the light again hopefully. I feel like an hour long hug isn’t enough to drain this away. What’s going on with me? Ugh.

Memories

That silk touch
The sweet summer rain
Trickles down that crystal pane
As the warm soft glow of the light
Illuminates the dancing shadows amongst your face.
Deep shadows circle your eyes
And the rose of your lips shutters
My nerves and skin like a blast and ray of God’s light.
My skin touches yours and I know in these moments that time, attachment, words could not touch a volume of what it means to share this bed with you.
Laughter fills my brow as I think of these times and the pain after sinks like a nonexistant pit in my bottomless stomach.
Memories, neurons, emotions like balls of unfathomable energy. To put to words the gods is a feat of most majesty.
I depart with a fluttering air under my feet and so the cycle renews.

Our small world and ramblings

Sensory overload, a focus on all things but really nothing at all. You know? My girlfriend once told me I should write down my insights and my views on things and I never gave it any thought because I didn’t think anybody would want or care to read them. But even if that’s the case, I have my insights into philosophy sometimes that I want to look back at so I’m deciding to write them down.

Back, to that sensory overload topic: We have so much going on that our magnificent brains can’t even process them all. The one thing we can’t conquer in it’s entirety is ultimately finite in it’s capabilities. So, we consciously choose what to focus our attention on. On a smaller scale, we choose what we look at, what things in our surroundings we ignore and blur from our vision, and the things we listen to whether it’s a background conversation, music, or our own internal dialogues. But there are more significant things that we choose to focus on: relationships, money, pleasure, pain, loss, stimulation, love but why? Why choose some things over others? What’s the point of it all? Why do we choose to focus on the things that hurt us rather than the things that brought us joy? Why do we focus on relationships to others rather than focus on our relationship to ourselves? Why do we look for outside affirmation of things when we can affirm ourselves? Are we truly not our own masters? We’re peculiar things us humans. We focus on the negatives and we complain about our pain. We focus on the pleasure and don’t take into account the consequences. We live in some fantasy world and the facts of life are as dull to us as a slathered gray on a canvas. We don’t take the time to notice the things around us, the simplicity and complexity of things boiled down into small core concepts and components. Life is actually really easy – it’s humans that make it more complex. They drive the level of complexity to the levels of the universe in which they are only a small hundredth of a fraction part of.

Why do we focus so much on everything but the things that really matter? The ability for me to type something like this on a page was unimagined until 20 years ago and our natures absorb it and take it in like nothing. There are others who focus too much on the differences and don’t realize the adaptive and unpredictable nature of the world. Free will may be a hoax adapted by neurons, and atoms, and things we don’t truly understand yet but the fact is the choice is still there. I can feel sorry for myself, I can be hurt, the emotions can be there but I need to acknowledge them and understand that this isn’t the end. We’ve survived this long to survive through loss. Human kind has survived through unsurpassed suffering and we’ve all gone through it so pain is just a small part of the experience we call living and the shell we call our bodies.

That’s it for now. 🙂

Fresh feelings

Fresh new feelings of anger and sadness today. It’s my first official day off and I just realized that it’s my last day off from school. I’m not having much success making new friends or meeting new people so here I am at sadville again. I feel like whatever conversations I have with people are artificial and weak and that I’m just angry and sad about this situation and at myself. I know these feelings are temporary and they’ll pass but I hate feeling them. They’re so freaking distracting. I feel like I have no control of myself sometimes. I just want to escape the pain that comes from all this. These highs and lows are none like I’ve ever experienced. I could have gone weeks feeling great before something stressful came in to make things difficult but it’s like I can’t seem to enjoy something for more than a day.

This really blows.

One of those nights

I’m just having one of those nights. Those lonely nights where you wish you had someones warm embrace or have someone tell you that they love you or even have friends respond to your texts. I don’t like feeling this way because it makes me feel needy for attention and I don’t want to fall back into bad habits but it just kind of sucks.

I wish there weren’t so many issues between myself and the people I know. I hate that my friendships never develop as close as I’d want them to and I honestly feel like they’re all aquaintances. I gotta start making new friends because this sucks. I want to develop meaningful connections and it doesn’t seem to be working.

Anyway, if I find the energy I’m off to work on my last paper for the semester and substice on poptarts.

PS: I feel more at ease when I look back at my happy memories. I’ve found that’s one way to cope with loss or pain from loneliness.

Finals Revival

It’s been so long since I last wrote in this journal. These past few months have been so crazy and hectic that this has been the last thing on my mind. I only thought about writing on here after having a conversation with one of the regular professors who comes to visit us at work. Since I last posted this, I’ve still been unemployed, my girlfriend of four years broke up with me and I don’t want to do accounting or IT (the thing I’ve wanted to do for a long time).

Today itself was actually pretty good – I had some nice conversations with people and my coworkers. I told them that Wednesday is my last day so here’s to hoping that they surprise me with a stripper or something, lol. I don’t know man. Some times I feel like theirs a knife cutting through my stomach and I’m in so much pain. Other times like when I’m writing this I feel like everything is as it should be and I’m happy.

I’m learning not to compare myself or guilty myself for what I did in my relationship with my girlfriend. I pretty much screwed it up by talking to other girls and the trust was forever shattered. The fucked up part is sometimes when I look at old pictures or writing I feel totally fucking stupid – I feel so content and happy with her that I don’t know why in the world I would ever look for anything else. Like, I’ll pick up a picture of her and think she’s fucking gorgeous then there are other days where I didn’t feel it so much. Maybe not seeing her every day caused my mind to wander, maybe I like different types of girls but I guess if you’re not 120% sure that you’ll be physically attracted to someone it’s not worth it – I don’t care what those people say when they say it’s “superficial.” Obviously personality holds things together but if the physical attraction isn’t there then you’re going to look for others who more meet those needs.

I don’t get it sometimes – I love(d) this girls hair, her smile and I didn’t even care that she was bigger than me. I don’t give two fucks if a girl is big – in fact it’s nicer than holding on to some boney twig. I know I can’t ever be with her again but god it bothers me so much sometimes that some other guy is enjoying all the shit that I used to have. As much as I don’t want to think about that it pisses me off sometimes. I don’t like to put people down to make myself feel better or even compare myself to others so it’s been getting better. It’s just a hard pill to swallow especially when you can’t 1) find a casual sex partner 2) feeling depressed so it’s not even that enjoyable.

If I had to rate my level of depression with this whole situation considering she was my first girlfriend then I’d have to say it’s moderate. I’ve lost my appetite, I seem less interested in the things I used to care about and finding work is draining my energy but I’m trying to stay positive and find other things to do. I hope to make some new friends and travel. Just sucks that everything requires money to be able to have a good time.

-I’m leaving off with this. I’ll probably be on here again soon because I need an outlet and I don’t usually don’t rely on friends to talk about my problems or feelings. This crying at random shit sucks too.