It’s been so long since I last wrote in this journal. These past few months have been so crazy and hectic that this has been the last thing on my mind. I only thought about writing on here after having a conversation with one of the regular professors who comes to visit us at work. Since I last posted this, I’ve still been unemployed, my girlfriend of four years broke up with me and I don’t want to do accounting or IT (the thing I’ve wanted to do for a long time).
Today itself was actually pretty good – I had some nice conversations with people and my coworkers. I told them that Wednesday is my last day so here’s to hoping that they surprise me with a stripper or something, lol. I don’t know man. Some times I feel like theirs a knife cutting through my stomach and I’m in so much pain. Other times like when I’m writing this I feel like everything is as it should be and I’m happy.
I’m learning not to compare myself or guilty myself for what I did in my relationship with my girlfriend. I pretty much screwed it up by talking to other girls and the trust was forever shattered. The fucked up part is sometimes when I look at old pictures or writing I feel totally fucking stupid – I feel so content and happy with her that I don’t know why in the world I would ever look for anything else. Like, I’ll pick up a picture of her and think she’s fucking gorgeous then there are other days where I didn’t feel it so much. Maybe not seeing her every day caused my mind to wander, maybe I like different types of girls but I guess if you’re not 120% sure that you’ll be physically attracted to someone it’s not worth it – I don’t care what those people say when they say it’s “superficial.” Obviously personality holds things together but if the physical attraction isn’t there then you’re going to look for others who more meet those needs.
I don’t get it sometimes – I love(d) this girls hair, her smile and I didn’t even care that she was bigger than me. I don’t give two fucks if a girl is big – in fact it’s nicer than holding on to some boney twig. I know I can’t ever be with her again but god it bothers me so much sometimes that some other guy is enjoying all the shit that I used to have. As much as I don’t want to think about that it pisses me off sometimes. I don’t like to put people down to make myself feel better or even compare myself to others so it’s been getting better. It’s just a hard pill to swallow especially when you can’t 1) find a casual sex partner 2) feeling depressed so it’s not even that enjoyable.
If I had to rate my level of depression with this whole situation considering she was my first girlfriend then I’d have to say it’s moderate. I’ve lost my appetite, I seem less interested in the things I used to care about and finding work is draining my energy but I’m trying to stay positive and find other things to do. I hope to make some new friends and travel. Just sucks that everything requires money to be able to have a good time.
-I’m leaving off with this. I’ll probably be on here again soon because I need an outlet and I don’t usually don’t rely on friends to talk about my problems or feelings. This crying at random shit sucks too.