briansjournal1

uncensored, unfiltered, thoughts

Month: June, 2014

What is dependence?

Is it relying on someone else? Is it needing to be loved? Is it believing what others say without question? I ask myself this constantly. I don’t know what I want out of life. I’m in a middle ground – advice gets thrown at me like ensnaring knives but they always seem to miss. Am I loved? Am I cared about? It’s so hard to know sometimes. I ask and I never receive – maybe I’m putting myself out there too much.

It’s like those silly horoscopes, you know? When they prove to be right you say “I knew it all along!” and you feel good. But the bad ones, the ones that miss, the ones that are wrong, that lie to you, you ignore those or if you do focus on them you throw them out as invalid. That seems like me sometimes. I’m reading too much into this shit but I feel like I’m being lied to all the time. It hurts like a bastard. I don’t want to live in a weave of deception. I want to know that the reality I see for myself is really true, not just someone’s perception of what it should be like. I don’t want someone to craft this world for me so that I get trapped and get caught up in it.

Maybe I’m relying too much on others and when they fall through as they always do I blame myself, I get angry, I feel sad, and a whole host of other emotions. But I guess this is a learned feeling that must be reversed. I just want to live again. I just want to do the things I set out to do because I fucking deserve to do them. Why must the biggest obstacles in life come at the hands of others? Money burned away, friends left, and then it’s just you. You that makes this decision: do I be happy today with this loneliness? This sense of silence? Why are people so fucking fickle? It wasn’t always like this. Words used to be law but now they’re just some silly rule that gets abused. For all intensive purposes the breath used to fill the lungs of those who speak these words should be saved for other, more important things.

I will find my peace. I swear it. Through all the tears, pain, anger, and eventually happiness it has to be found. I can’t live in this chaos forever.  Little things that we can’t see keep us from seeing the things that we do so I guess it all comes down to learning how to breathe, right? It’s funny because my anger is what forces me to accept reality sometimes but it’s the one thing I loathe having, albeit a little less than sadness.

What’s it all mean? I need a plan for my life. I need to figure out where I stand. Till next time.

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That scent

It’s funny how often we hate things when we discover them about someone. Maybe they like a certain song, a scent, and color that you dislike. Maybe they have values that differ from yours. Maybe they see the world through a different set of lenses. Loss brings all these things together into a blurry unclear reality.

I was walking along the beach the other day when I saw the orange embers of a fireplace along this pathway guided by a lustrious golden moon. The moon shined so close to the Earth. The scent of burning wood would drive me away but now brings back fond memories of closeness and a bond of child and mother, of lovers by a camp site.

What tears, what words can be said? I have given it my all. Still I try. Still I long to be part of that moon. But the light will fade as it goes into the clouds like the soft keys of a piano. I love her. As my anger, fear, sadness and all blend into one mesh of unrecognizable emptiness like a lone room I realize that I will always love her. I cared for her so deeply. May the light of that moon shine in her beautiful face and may it lead me to peace.

To be free

The generality and vagueness of language drive me toward a unforseen goal. I want to escape this pain, this comparison jail, these emotions of anger, and jealousy and unhappiness. Things seem to be headed in a good direction but I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like I’m getting much done.

Just graduated and I’ve been trying to date again. These rejections have pushed me to a vunerable state where it makes me want to leave the dating scene for a while. My friends ignore me for the most part and so I’m stuck on a boat that leads nowhere. My only salvation is money of which I owe so much already. I won’t be able to enjoy any of it for a really long time.

Someone please tell me where I’m supposed to go from here. What do I do all day to keep myself from going insane? Is this what she meant when she said she suffered for a year. She was afraid I was falling in love with someone else. What horse shit. Now I feel the same way. Her love for me might be washed away. Betrayal runs deep in my stomach.

I guess the point of this post was to describe my feelings. To describe how I want to find someone but I don’t really need someone. To express my anger at not being able to pursue things I enjoy because of money issues.

God I long for my freedom. For that day where I’ll be loved again with a stronger love than I ever had for myself, for another, for my career, and for my life. I long for the independence to carve my own path. I hate relying on others. I hate being labeled like trash when someone calls me needy.

I don’t know. I went on this date with this girl whom I really liked. She stopped talking to me out of the blue and god only knows why. Was it something I said? Did she lose interest? Did she not like the way I looked after all? Maybe there’s still hope? I really hope there is. Not to put her on a pedastel but I finally found someone who was ideal for me. Beautiful, truly, smart, independent and driven. What can I do but accept it I guess?

It’s like weeding through that one detail on a piece of paper among thousands of pages in a ocean of books in a library. It will be found but it seems above my humanely ability to find one whom I’ll truly love again.

That’s it for now.