Is it relying on someone else? Is it needing to be loved? Is it believing what others say without question? I ask myself this constantly. I don’t know what I want out of life. I’m in a middle ground – advice gets thrown at me like ensnaring knives but they always seem to miss. Am I loved? Am I cared about? It’s so hard to know sometimes. I ask and I never receive – maybe I’m putting myself out there too much.
It’s like those silly horoscopes, you know? When they prove to be right you say “I knew it all along!” and you feel good. But the bad ones, the ones that miss, the ones that are wrong, that lie to you, you ignore those or if you do focus on them you throw them out as invalid. That seems like me sometimes. I’m reading too much into this shit but I feel like I’m being lied to all the time. It hurts like a bastard. I don’t want to live in a weave of deception. I want to know that the reality I see for myself is really true, not just someone’s perception of what it should be like. I don’t want someone to craft this world for me so that I get trapped and get caught up in it.
Maybe I’m relying too much on others and when they fall through as they always do I blame myself, I get angry, I feel sad, and a whole host of other emotions. But I guess this is a learned feeling that must be reversed. I just want to live again. I just want to do the things I set out to do because I fucking deserve to do them. Why must the biggest obstacles in life come at the hands of others? Money burned away, friends left, and then it’s just you. You that makes this decision: do I be happy today with this loneliness? This sense of silence? Why are people so fucking fickle? It wasn’t always like this. Words used to be law but now they’re just some silly rule that gets abused. For all intensive purposes the breath used to fill the lungs of those who speak these words should be saved for other, more important things.
I will find my peace. I swear it. Through all the tears, pain, anger, and eventually happiness it has to be found. I can’t live in this chaos forever. Little things that we can’t see keep us from seeing the things that we do so I guess it all comes down to learning how to breathe, right? It’s funny because my anger is what forces me to accept reality sometimes but it’s the one thing I loathe having, albeit a little less than sadness.
What’s it all mean? I need a plan for my life. I need to figure out where I stand. Till next time.