To be free

by brianp411

The generality and vagueness of language drive me toward a unforseen goal. I want to escape this pain, this comparison jail, these emotions of anger, and jealousy and unhappiness. Things seem to be headed in a good direction but I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like I’m getting much done.

Just graduated and I’ve been trying to date again. These rejections have pushed me to a vunerable state where it makes me want to leave the dating scene for a while. My friends ignore me for the most part and so I’m stuck on a boat that leads nowhere. My only salvation is money of which I owe so much already. I won’t be able to enjoy any of it for a really long time.

Someone please tell me where I’m supposed to go from here. What do I do all day to keep myself from going insane? Is this what she meant when she said she suffered for a year. She was afraid I was falling in love with someone else. What horse shit. Now I feel the same way. Her love for me might be washed away. Betrayal runs deep in my stomach.

I guess the point of this post was to describe my feelings. To describe how I want to find someone but I don’t really need someone. To express my anger at not being able to pursue things I enjoy because of money issues.

God I long for my freedom. For that day where I’ll be loved again with a stronger love than I ever had for myself, for another, for my career, and for my life. I long for the independence to carve my own path. I hate relying on others. I hate being labeled like trash when someone calls me needy.

I don’t know. I went on this date with this girl whom I really liked. She stopped talking to me out of the blue and god only knows why. Was it something I said? Did she lose interest? Did she not like the way I looked after all? Maybe there’s still hope? I really hope there is. Not to put her on a pedastel but I finally found someone who was ideal for me. Beautiful, truly, smart, independent and driven. What can I do but accept it I guess?

It’s like weeding through that one detail on a piece of paper among thousands of pages in a ocean of books in a library. It will be found but it seems above my humanely ability to find one whom I’ll truly love again.

That’s it for now.