briansjournal1

uncensored, unfiltered, thoughts

Category: Uncategorized

Migration into the new world!

I always come up with the best titles for these things, right? The day has finally come my blog followers. I have risen from the dead, save up the $70 I needed and started my own website with my own domain. It is also a blog website but rather than just hold my thoughts, it will hold my travel photos, my computer builds, my life – as long I am still living. I got a new laptop now so typing up a blog post is really enjoyable especially with some nice comfy Sennhessier 598’s. 😀

So, for all of those who care or are interested my new website is found HERE. HTTP://briansthoughts.name

I thoroughly enjoyed using WordPress for it’s hosting capabilities but the time has come for me to maintain and host my own site and take control of my life and future. Thank you all for your support and help through my difficult breakup last year. First girlfriends are always the toughest to get over.

I intend to close this blog within a few weeks while maintaining some of my older posts. I will probably trying to import them into my new site if it’s possible. Thank you again and have a great new year!

What is dependence?

Is it relying on someone else? Is it needing to be loved? Is it believing what others say without question? I ask myself this constantly. I don’t know what I want out of life. I’m in a middle ground – advice gets thrown at me like ensnaring knives but they always seem to miss. Am I loved? Am I cared about? It’s so hard to know sometimes. I ask and I never receive – maybe I’m putting myself out there too much.

It’s like those silly horoscopes, you know? When they prove to be right you say “I knew it all along!” and you feel good. But the bad ones, the ones that miss, the ones that are wrong, that lie to you, you ignore those or if you do focus on them you throw them out as invalid. That seems like me sometimes. I’m reading too much into this shit but I feel like I’m being lied to all the time. It hurts like a bastard. I don’t want to live in a weave of deception. I want to know that the reality I see for myself is really true, not just someone’s perception of what it should be like. I don’t want someone to craft this world for me so that I get trapped and get caught up in it.

Maybe I’m relying too much on others and when they fall through as they always do I blame myself, I get angry, I feel sad, and a whole host of other emotions. But I guess this is a learned feeling that must be reversed. I just want to live again. I just want to do the things I set out to do because I fucking deserve to do them. Why must the biggest obstacles in life come at the hands of others? Money burned away, friends left, and then it’s just you. You that makes this decision: do I be happy today with this loneliness? This sense of silence? Why are people so fucking fickle? It wasn’t always like this. Words used to be law but now they’re just some silly rule that gets abused. For all intensive purposes the breath used to fill the lungs of those who speak these words should be saved for other, more important things.

I will find my peace. I swear it. Through all the tears, pain, anger, and eventually happiness it has to be found. I can’t live in this chaos forever.  Little things that we can’t see keep us from seeing the things that we do so I guess it all comes down to learning how to breathe, right? It’s funny because my anger is what forces me to accept reality sometimes but it’s the one thing I loathe having, albeit a little less than sadness.

What’s it all mean? I need a plan for my life. I need to figure out where I stand. Till next time.

That scent

It’s funny how often we hate things when we discover them about someone. Maybe they like a certain song, a scent, and color that you dislike. Maybe they have values that differ from yours. Maybe they see the world through a different set of lenses. Loss brings all these things together into a blurry unclear reality.

I was walking along the beach the other day when I saw the orange embers of a fireplace along this pathway guided by a lustrious golden moon. The moon shined so close to the Earth. The scent of burning wood would drive me away but now brings back fond memories of closeness and a bond of child and mother, of lovers by a camp site.

What tears, what words can be said? I have given it my all. Still I try. Still I long to be part of that moon. But the light will fade as it goes into the clouds like the soft keys of a piano. I love her. As my anger, fear, sadness and all blend into one mesh of unrecognizable emptiness like a lone room I realize that I will always love her. I cared for her so deeply. May the light of that moon shine in her beautiful face and may it lead me to peace.

To be free

The generality and vagueness of language drive me toward a unforseen goal. I want to escape this pain, this comparison jail, these emotions of anger, and jealousy and unhappiness. Things seem to be headed in a good direction but I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like I’m getting much done.

Just graduated and I’ve been trying to date again. These rejections have pushed me to a vunerable state where it makes me want to leave the dating scene for a while. My friends ignore me for the most part and so I’m stuck on a boat that leads nowhere. My only salvation is money of which I owe so much already. I won’t be able to enjoy any of it for a really long time.

Someone please tell me where I’m supposed to go from here. What do I do all day to keep myself from going insane? Is this what she meant when she said she suffered for a year. She was afraid I was falling in love with someone else. What horse shit. Now I feel the same way. Her love for me might be washed away. Betrayal runs deep in my stomach.

I guess the point of this post was to describe my feelings. To describe how I want to find someone but I don’t really need someone. To express my anger at not being able to pursue things I enjoy because of money issues.

God I long for my freedom. For that day where I’ll be loved again with a stronger love than I ever had for myself, for another, for my career, and for my life. I long for the independence to carve my own path. I hate relying on others. I hate being labeled like trash when someone calls me needy.

I don’t know. I went on this date with this girl whom I really liked. She stopped talking to me out of the blue and god only knows why. Was it something I said? Did she lose interest? Did she not like the way I looked after all? Maybe there’s still hope? I really hope there is. Not to put her on a pedastel but I finally found someone who was ideal for me. Beautiful, truly, smart, independent and driven. What can I do but accept it I guess?

It’s like weeding through that one detail on a piece of paper among thousands of pages in a ocean of books in a library. It will be found but it seems above my humanely ability to find one whom I’ll truly love again.

That’s it for now.

Some good advice

Quick post for today. I was talking to this kid named Danny during training for this new job that I got. I’m starting to love the job already but that’s another post. I talked to him about my feelings and he said the reason why hes really laid back is that this world has existed for billions of years and humans for millions of years. That dwarfs every little concern that you’ve had to this day. If people could survive for so long then so can you. It’s not a big deal and you should just flow.

Man that advice really helped. We get so caught up and think we own things or we have possessions but it all belongs to the Earth and there’s no point getting up tight about it. I’m really trying to let these philosophies sink in and just enjoy the moment.

I hate everything

Today has been a enormous feeling of pain. The skies are gray and I can’t describe this feeling. I feel like I’m going crazy with anxiety and fear and anger. I feel like I’m losing my dignity and honor. I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I hate my fucking house, I can’t communicate with my parents, I’m always aquiring bullshit information that I don’t need to know because it releases the pain in my brain and the stupidity that comes from it.

A few more days and I can see the light again hopefully. I feel like an hour long hug isn’t enough to drain this away. What’s going on with me? Ugh.

Memories

That silk touch
The sweet summer rain
Trickles down that crystal pane
As the warm soft glow of the light
Illuminates the dancing shadows amongst your face.
Deep shadows circle your eyes
And the rose of your lips shutters
My nerves and skin like a blast and ray of God’s light.
My skin touches yours and I know in these moments that time, attachment, words could not touch a volume of what it means to share this bed with you.
Laughter fills my brow as I think of these times and the pain after sinks like a nonexistant pit in my bottomless stomach.
Memories, neurons, emotions like balls of unfathomable energy. To put to words the gods is a feat of most majesty.
I depart with a fluttering air under my feet and so the cycle renews.

Finals Revival

It’s been so long since I last wrote in this journal. These past few months have been so crazy and hectic that this has been the last thing on my mind. I only thought about writing on here after having a conversation with one of the regular professors who comes to visit us at work. Since I last posted this, I’ve still been unemployed, my girlfriend of four years broke up with me and I don’t want to do accounting or IT (the thing I’ve wanted to do for a long time).

Today itself was actually pretty good – I had some nice conversations with people and my coworkers. I told them that Wednesday is my last day so here’s to hoping that they surprise me with a stripper or something, lol. I don’t know man. Some times I feel like theirs a knife cutting through my stomach and I’m in so much pain. Other times like when I’m writing this I feel like everything is as it should be and I’m happy.

I’m learning not to compare myself or guilty myself for what I did in my relationship with my girlfriend. I pretty much screwed it up by talking to other girls and the trust was forever shattered. The fucked up part is sometimes when I look at old pictures or writing I feel totally fucking stupid – I feel so content and happy with her that I don’t know why in the world I would ever look for anything else. Like, I’ll pick up a picture of her and think she’s fucking gorgeous then there are other days where I didn’t feel it so much. Maybe not seeing her every day caused my mind to wander, maybe I like different types of girls but I guess if you’re not 120% sure that you’ll be physically attracted to someone it’s not worth it – I don’t care what those people say when they say it’s “superficial.” Obviously personality holds things together but if the physical attraction isn’t there then you’re going to look for others who more meet those needs.

I don’t get it sometimes – I love(d) this girls hair, her smile and I didn’t even care that she was bigger than me. I don’t give two fucks if a girl is big – in fact it’s nicer than holding on to some boney twig. I know I can’t ever be with her again but god it bothers me so much sometimes that some other guy is enjoying all the shit that I used to have. As much as I don’t want to think about that it pisses me off sometimes. I don’t like to put people down to make myself feel better or even compare myself to others so it’s been getting better. It’s just a hard pill to swallow especially when you can’t 1) find a casual sex partner 2) feeling depressed so it’s not even that enjoyable.

If I had to rate my level of depression with this whole situation considering she was my first girlfriend then I’d have to say it’s moderate. I’ve lost my appetite, I seem less interested in the things I used to care about and finding work is draining my energy but I’m trying to stay positive and find other things to do. I hope to make some new friends and travel. Just sucks that everything requires money to be able to have a good time.

-I’m leaving off with this. I’ll probably be on here again soon because I need an outlet and I don’t usually don’t rely on friends to talk about my problems or feelings. This crying at random shit sucks too.

Fresh Beginnings

Sorry for the long lapse in writing. I’ve been reestablishing new focus and direction. I recently quit my liquor store job to apply for a job at the Post Office and I’ve been trying to get an accounting internship. I’m happy to report that I’m finding new direction because even though the higher paying Post Office job didn’t work out and I’m currently unemployed (save for work study at my school) this has given me some opportunity to think and reflect on myself. I’ve been thinking about what I want to do and I’ve finally had time to work on things I’ve been wanting to focus on for a while. I’ve been developing some Excel skills and devoting some time to studying it for an hour each day. I’ve been using the Slaying Excel Dragons series on YouTube and it’s been really helpful. I really ignored my need for visual learning for a while until I recently stumbled on some tutorial videos on YouTube and it’s been smooth sailing ever since. I can grasp things a thousand times faster than reading the same passage in a book over and over again. I think I’ve finally found something that works for me. As a result, I think all my notes are going to include YouTube links and references in the future!

As for the internship, I’ve been very lucky and fortunate to find an internship so close to home working with the assistant comptroller at my college. She seems very friendly and keen on getting me to learn the things I want to learn and get out of my internship rather than just serving coffee or doing mindless tasks. I look forward to my first day on Thursday!

In regards to direction, well, finally having the time to look at my life and decide for myself what makes me happy has really given me an invaluable opportunity to decide for myself whether money and work is all that’s important. I realize that my obsession for computers is always going to cause me to spend lots of money – but I shouldn’t be killing myself working 4+ jobs to maintain a unreasonable expensive hobby. Since then I’m just trying to focus on what’s going to improve me as a professional working in the business field. This is why I’m hoping to improve a skill or a set of skills over a a period of few months so I have time to reflect and practice on what I learn.

Finally, I’m narrowing down the universities I want to go to to continue for my Bachelors/Masters. As with anything, I’m probably going to have to take private loans regardless if I get scholarships or not because it’s going to be a tie between UMass Amherst (great public college for business) or Bryant University (small private college, also great for business) – one is 22k (on campus) and the other is 38k (commuting). If I can get the latter closer to state school levels I’ll definintly go for it because it will be closer (albeit a little more expensive on gas because I’ll be commuting) and it really just seems catered to business in and out. It really seems like the go to school for what I want to do and the place to be if I want to be surrounded by like minded individuals.

Anyway, more updates to follow – hopefully soon. Good night!

The start of a new semester

I’m looking at my computer clock wondering where the time went. It says 1:20am on August 31st. In less than a few days, I’ll be back in school. I feel kind of bad for not writing this summer. This journal helps me clarify my thoughts, albeit, even a little bit. I’ve got some exciting new things going on and some awful things as well.

The good news:

I’ve been selected to be a student instructor or a TA as they’re called in universities for an online class. While, it’s not the accounting class I was hoping to sit in on, it still will help me brush up on my technical skills while forcing me to improve my communication skills. I’m also going to be doing tutoring this semester. I attended a 2 day orientation training for it and I must say, I really learned a lot about how we learn. I’m going to try to apply these new study skills to my current classes and see if it makes a difference. I’m sure it will – the whole turning your notes into question/answer pairs seems like a real time saver.

Anyway, I’ve had a few callbacks for some other jobs but I’m optimistic that I’ll find something better than retail soon. While I like the technology aspect of Best Buy and it’s miles better than Home Depot where I’d be selling toilets, I can’t see myself staying there for very long. It just seems so stupid. They buy laptops for cheap, they lose value and to make up the cost we our forced to sell expensive bullshit addons to people who are already strugging to pay for the computer in the first place. What’s sad is that a lot of people in the Geek Squad are people who know a hell of a lot more than me and yet can’t find a good job somewhere so they’re stuck reimaging computers and overcharging people for basic services that they can’t do themselves. I promise when I open my business, if the market ever makes it appropriate to do so, I won’t be the asshole who charges $50 for a fucking virus cleaning. That’s absurd. I believe in charging fair prices, giving honest opinions and keeping prices competitive. I don’t expect to become rich off my business, just to make enough to help out with the bills and still give someone a great service. Although, with laptops being $300 bucks nowadays and the average user just needing to surf the web, it’s impossible to compete with something like that. High enthusiast places like Newegg always face stiff competition and unfortunately, I live in a city where people looking to buy stuff like that are not looking towards brick and mortar solutions.

Anyway, for the bad news…

I’ve been broke most of the summer. It seems that whenever I get paid something else comes up. I used to love spending my money on some new computer gear but now it’s been bills and personal loans all over the place. I’ve actually even had to ask my mom for some money because I’m not used to Best Buy’s biweekly pay schedule and I over spent my money last week on some car repairs. I feel completely embarassed asking my mom for money and she’s been completing understanding. She’s even offered to defer paying her back because she knows how much I’ve had to pay in bills. It would actually be really easy to take advantage of her kindness (like let’s talk about the 2 grand that I owe her that she lent me to help me buy my car) and that’s what hurts my the most. I truly do love my mom but I can’t say it. I’m too embarrassed to say it and I’m more embarrassed now asking for her help. I want to badly be independent and having to ask her for money seems like a real step back for me.

Other than feeling broke my girlfriend has been diagnosed with depression. I don’t even know if it’s a good idea to talk about it on here but I’ll take my chances. I’m scared that she’s going to be sad all the time. That she’s not going to be able to wake up and be the teacher she’s dreamed about being. I’m scared that she’ll throw me out because she doesn’t want to hurt me because she says it hurts her too when she says awful shit to me. She’s already wanted to break up with many times. She’s called me controlling for not wanting to let her go. I don’t want her to think that I’m trying to keep her in a relationship that she doesn’t want to be a part of – the thing is, I see that I make her happy and when she’s on her good days, she does too. However, I don’t know how to deal with this. This is going to come up again – she’s going to yell at me and push me away because she doesn’t want to hurt me. She feels like she doesn’t have any control over what she says or does sometimes and it certainly feels that way. Things that she would never say to anybody, including me, now come out of her mouth with no filter or remorse. I guess I’m just scared. I love her and I want to support her through this. I told her that if I ever couldn’t handle it any more that I would let her know. It sucks having her say awful shit to me and “break up” with me or avoid talking to me. But, I’m not stupid for staying with her. As much as there is temptation out there, at the end of the day I’ve realized she’s the only one who truly makes me happy and provides me with the support I’ve always needed and wanted. I don’t want to let that go because she feels like she can’t control the awful shit she says to me or because it hurts her to say these things. Relationships are all about sacrifices and she’s worth it. I just hope she doesn’t push me away because she’s scared herself.

Other than that, I’ve just been completely stressed out. I’ve been told by people to not worry and that it’s going to affect my health. I can’t seem to ever listen to those people. Every semester I try to push myself harder. I’m worried I’m not going to be ready for the real world. I’m totally scared that if I don’t do everything and fill my time up while I’m in school that I won’t have anything to show off for when I enter the “real world.” The Big 4 are a set of hard ass firms to get into but they would really help me advance my career. I often wonder what the kids preparing for Harvard are doing differently. I don’t know if it has anything to do with intelligence at that point and it must be more than just dedication. I’ve known students go days without sleeping because they were that dedicated to their work. I feel like that sometimes and when I don’t meet up to this zombie student status, I feel like I’m a failure. I feel like because I’ve only studied 2 chapters of accounting all summer that I’m a failure. I just want to make sure I’m ready for a university. I want to make sure that I don’t drop my major because it’s too hard or whatever because it’s truly something I want to do.  I should have reevaluated my goals. I was studying for 8 hours at a time and then I just wouldn’t feel like doing it. I literally live in a house full of distractions despite the noise level being OK. I got nowhere to study. The library closes early and I like to study with my notes out loud. Libraries are really not the place for that.  I don’t know man, I worry about the future so much. My mothers counting on me to take care of the house after she dies. My brothers mentally ill and I know he won’t be able to do it on his own. I’m also scared of owing more than 1 million hours of minimum wages to student loans. I’m scared of doing drudging work for a good half of my life because I didn’t apply myself in school. This is why I put on Netflix, watch Breaking Bad, and forget about everything. I’m hoping by the time school starts I can work out the “kinks” in my studying, get my schedule all sorted out, and relieve all this career induced stress.

My number one career fear? I’m scared of not knowing what to do when I’m on the job. I’m scared of fucking shit up. I’m scared of my coworkers calling me an idiot because I don’t know or understand what to do. I’m trying to become a professional in only four years and I don’t know if that’s possible.
PS: $600 dollars in books and counting…Fuck my life.