briansjournal1

uncensored, unfiltered, thoughts

Migration into the new world!

I always come up with the best titles for these things, right? The day has finally come my blog followers. I have risen from the dead, save up the $70 I needed and started my own website with my own domain. It is also a blog website but rather than just hold my thoughts, it will hold my travel photos, my computer builds, my life – as long I am still living. I got a new laptop now so typing up a blog post is really enjoyable especially with some nice comfy Sennhessier 598’s. 😀

So, for all of those who care or are interested my new website is found HERE. HTTP://briansthoughts.name

I thoroughly enjoyed using WordPress for it’s hosting capabilities but the time has come for me to maintain and host my own site and take control of my life and future. Thank you all for your support and help through my difficult breakup last year. First girlfriends are always the toughest to get over.

I intend to close this blog within a few weeks while maintaining some of my older posts. I will probably trying to import them into my new site if it’s possible. Thank you again and have a great new year!

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What is dependence?

Is it relying on someone else? Is it needing to be loved? Is it believing what others say without question? I ask myself this constantly. I don’t know what I want out of life. I’m in a middle ground – advice gets thrown at me like ensnaring knives but they always seem to miss. Am I loved? Am I cared about? It’s so hard to know sometimes. I ask and I never receive – maybe I’m putting myself out there too much.

It’s like those silly horoscopes, you know? When they prove to be right you say “I knew it all along!” and you feel good. But the bad ones, the ones that miss, the ones that are wrong, that lie to you, you ignore those or if you do focus on them you throw them out as invalid. That seems like me sometimes. I’m reading too much into this shit but I feel like I’m being lied to all the time. It hurts like a bastard. I don’t want to live in a weave of deception. I want to know that the reality I see for myself is really true, not just someone’s perception of what it should be like. I don’t want someone to craft this world for me so that I get trapped and get caught up in it.

Maybe I’m relying too much on others and when they fall through as they always do I blame myself, I get angry, I feel sad, and a whole host of other emotions. But I guess this is a learned feeling that must be reversed. I just want to live again. I just want to do the things I set out to do because I fucking deserve to do them. Why must the biggest obstacles in life come at the hands of others? Money burned away, friends left, and then it’s just you. You that makes this decision: do I be happy today with this loneliness? This sense of silence? Why are people so fucking fickle? It wasn’t always like this. Words used to be law but now they’re just some silly rule that gets abused. For all intensive purposes the breath used to fill the lungs of those who speak these words should be saved for other, more important things.

I will find my peace. I swear it. Through all the tears, pain, anger, and eventually happiness it has to be found. I can’t live in this chaos forever.  Little things that we can’t see keep us from seeing the things that we do so I guess it all comes down to learning how to breathe, right? It’s funny because my anger is what forces me to accept reality sometimes but it’s the one thing I loathe having, albeit a little less than sadness.

What’s it all mean? I need a plan for my life. I need to figure out where I stand. Till next time.

That scent

It’s funny how often we hate things when we discover them about someone. Maybe they like a certain song, a scent, and color that you dislike. Maybe they have values that differ from yours. Maybe they see the world through a different set of lenses. Loss brings all these things together into a blurry unclear reality.

I was walking along the beach the other day when I saw the orange embers of a fireplace along this pathway guided by a lustrious golden moon. The moon shined so close to the Earth. The scent of burning wood would drive me away but now brings back fond memories of closeness and a bond of child and mother, of lovers by a camp site.

What tears, what words can be said? I have given it my all. Still I try. Still I long to be part of that moon. But the light will fade as it goes into the clouds like the soft keys of a piano. I love her. As my anger, fear, sadness and all blend into one mesh of unrecognizable emptiness like a lone room I realize that I will always love her. I cared for her so deeply. May the light of that moon shine in her beautiful face and may it lead me to peace.

To be free

The generality and vagueness of language drive me toward a unforseen goal. I want to escape this pain, this comparison jail, these emotions of anger, and jealousy and unhappiness. Things seem to be headed in a good direction but I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like I’m getting much done.

Just graduated and I’ve been trying to date again. These rejections have pushed me to a vunerable state where it makes me want to leave the dating scene for a while. My friends ignore me for the most part and so I’m stuck on a boat that leads nowhere. My only salvation is money of which I owe so much already. I won’t be able to enjoy any of it for a really long time.

Someone please tell me where I’m supposed to go from here. What do I do all day to keep myself from going insane? Is this what she meant when she said she suffered for a year. She was afraid I was falling in love with someone else. What horse shit. Now I feel the same way. Her love for me might be washed away. Betrayal runs deep in my stomach.

I guess the point of this post was to describe my feelings. To describe how I want to find someone but I don’t really need someone. To express my anger at not being able to pursue things I enjoy because of money issues.

God I long for my freedom. For that day where I’ll be loved again with a stronger love than I ever had for myself, for another, for my career, and for my life. I long for the independence to carve my own path. I hate relying on others. I hate being labeled like trash when someone calls me needy.

I don’t know. I went on this date with this girl whom I really liked. She stopped talking to me out of the blue and god only knows why. Was it something I said? Did she lose interest? Did she not like the way I looked after all? Maybe there’s still hope? I really hope there is. Not to put her on a pedastel but I finally found someone who was ideal for me. Beautiful, truly, smart, independent and driven. What can I do but accept it I guess?

It’s like weeding through that one detail on a piece of paper among thousands of pages in a ocean of books in a library. It will be found but it seems above my humanely ability to find one whom I’ll truly love again.

That’s it for now.

Some good advice

Quick post for today. I was talking to this kid named Danny during training for this new job that I got. I’m starting to love the job already but that’s another post. I talked to him about my feelings and he said the reason why hes really laid back is that this world has existed for billions of years and humans for millions of years. That dwarfs every little concern that you’ve had to this day. If people could survive for so long then so can you. It’s not a big deal and you should just flow.

Man that advice really helped. We get so caught up and think we own things or we have possessions but it all belongs to the Earth and there’s no point getting up tight about it. I’m really trying to let these philosophies sink in and just enjoy the moment.

I hate everything

Today has been a enormous feeling of pain. The skies are gray and I can’t describe this feeling. I feel like I’m going crazy with anxiety and fear and anger. I feel like I’m losing my dignity and honor. I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I hate my fucking house, I can’t communicate with my parents, I’m always aquiring bullshit information that I don’t need to know because it releases the pain in my brain and the stupidity that comes from it.

A few more days and I can see the light again hopefully. I feel like an hour long hug isn’t enough to drain this away. What’s going on with me? Ugh.

Memories

That silk touch
The sweet summer rain
Trickles down that crystal pane
As the warm soft glow of the light
Illuminates the dancing shadows amongst your face.
Deep shadows circle your eyes
And the rose of your lips shutters
My nerves and skin like a blast and ray of God’s light.
My skin touches yours and I know in these moments that time, attachment, words could not touch a volume of what it means to share this bed with you.
Laughter fills my brow as I think of these times and the pain after sinks like a nonexistant pit in my bottomless stomach.
Memories, neurons, emotions like balls of unfathomable energy. To put to words the gods is a feat of most majesty.
I depart with a fluttering air under my feet and so the cycle renews.

Our small world and ramblings

Sensory overload, a focus on all things but really nothing at all. You know? My girlfriend once told me I should write down my insights and my views on things and I never gave it any thought because I didn’t think anybody would want or care to read them. But even if that’s the case, I have my insights into philosophy sometimes that I want to look back at so I’m deciding to write them down.

Back, to that sensory overload topic: We have so much going on that our magnificent brains can’t even process them all. The one thing we can’t conquer in it’s entirety is ultimately finite in it’s capabilities. So, we consciously choose what to focus our attention on. On a smaller scale, we choose what we look at, what things in our surroundings we ignore and blur from our vision, and the things we listen to whether it’s a background conversation, music, or our own internal dialogues. But there are more significant things that we choose to focus on: relationships, money, pleasure, pain, loss, stimulation, love but why? Why choose some things over others? What’s the point of it all? Why do we choose to focus on the things that hurt us rather than the things that brought us joy? Why do we focus on relationships to others rather than focus on our relationship to ourselves? Why do we look for outside affirmation of things when we can affirm ourselves? Are we truly not our own masters? We’re peculiar things us humans. We focus on the negatives and we complain about our pain. We focus on the pleasure and don’t take into account the consequences. We live in some fantasy world and the facts of life are as dull to us as a slathered gray on a canvas. We don’t take the time to notice the things around us, the simplicity and complexity of things boiled down into small core concepts and components. Life is actually really easy – it’s humans that make it more complex. They drive the level of complexity to the levels of the universe in which they are only a small hundredth of a fraction part of.

Why do we focus so much on everything but the things that really matter? The ability for me to type something like this on a page was unimagined until 20 years ago and our natures absorb it and take it in like nothing. There are others who focus too much on the differences and don’t realize the adaptive and unpredictable nature of the world. Free will may be a hoax adapted by neurons, and atoms, and things we don’t truly understand yet but the fact is the choice is still there. I can feel sorry for myself, I can be hurt, the emotions can be there but I need to acknowledge them and understand that this isn’t the end. We’ve survived this long to survive through loss. Human kind has survived through unsurpassed suffering and we’ve all gone through it so pain is just a small part of the experience we call living and the shell we call our bodies.

That’s it for now. 🙂

Fresh feelings

Fresh new feelings of anger and sadness today. It’s my first official day off and I just realized that it’s my last day off from school. I’m not having much success making new friends or meeting new people so here I am at sadville again. I feel like whatever conversations I have with people are artificial and weak and that I’m just angry and sad about this situation and at myself. I know these feelings are temporary and they’ll pass but I hate feeling them. They’re so freaking distracting. I feel like I have no control of myself sometimes. I just want to escape the pain that comes from all this. These highs and lows are none like I’ve ever experienced. I could have gone weeks feeling great before something stressful came in to make things difficult but it’s like I can’t seem to enjoy something for more than a day.

This really blows.

One of those nights

I’m just having one of those nights. Those lonely nights where you wish you had someones warm embrace or have someone tell you that they love you or even have friends respond to your texts. I don’t like feeling this way because it makes me feel needy for attention and I don’t want to fall back into bad habits but it just kind of sucks.

I wish there weren’t so many issues between myself and the people I know. I hate that my friendships never develop as close as I’d want them to and I honestly feel like they’re all aquaintances. I gotta start making new friends because this sucks. I want to develop meaningful connections and it doesn’t seem to be working.

Anyway, if I find the energy I’m off to work on my last paper for the semester and substice on poptarts.

PS: I feel more at ease when I look back at my happy memories. I’ve found that’s one way to cope with loss or pain from loneliness.